


Days of Gladiator Love

by BossToaster (ChaoticReactions)



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Affectionate mocking, And I can make fun because I've written one so there, Another 'don't take me seriously' fic, Exploitation of Shiro who Does Not Deserve This, Much mocking of Romance Novel prose, Other, Purple Prose, romance novels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-06
Updated: 2017-02-06
Packaged: 2018-09-22 07:56:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9594413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChaoticReactions/pseuds/BossToaster
Summary: Turns out, there was a fair bit of merchandising involved with the Gladiator battles, especially with their more famous fighters.Apparently, this includes romance novels.





	

**Author's Note:**

> All credit for this goes to [Robinsfeather](http://robinsfeather.tumblr.com/post/156834254326/draw-shiro-but-on-a-horse), who drew the original art, [Headspacedad](http://headspacedad.tumblr.com/) for the original idea and [Oldmythos](http://oldmythos.tumblr.com/post/156848600560/draw-shiro-but-on-a-horse#notes) for taking the amazing art and making it Perfect (and also naming this fic).
> 
> So basically what I'm saying is: I was merely a pawn. Blame them ;)

“Where’s Pidge?”

There was a pause, as Keith, Lance and Hunk all stopped what they were doing and glanced around.  The marketplace was crowded, but not so packed as to be claustrophobic.  

So they should have been able to see Pidge.

Except there wasn’t a hint of her.

“Bathroom?” Lance suggested, shrugging.  The motion made the fuzzy top hat he was trying on tilt over, until it covered one of his ears.

Shiro frowned back, giving a reluctant nod.  Maybe.  All in all, they tended to avoid alien bathrooms when they could, especially Pidge.  But sometimes there was no helping it.

Giving one last glance around, Keith went back to leaning against a display.  Another alien gave him a bland look as they searched around him, but since his back was turned he couldn’t tell.  Shiro should probably call him over, but he wasn’t being  _ that _ much in the way.  “She’s fine.  Pidge can handle herself.”

“I know she can,” Shiro replied flatly. 

And it wasn’t that Pidge couldn’t.  Hell, when it came to handling things independently, she and Keith were probably tied for most effective.

The weeks and months of commanding, though, had given Shiro a near constant need to know where everyone was.  If he didn’t have a sense for their location, not only would he miss it if something went wrong, but he wouldn’t be able to make an effective plan if needed.

Shiro would call that being paranoid, except real life proved him right all too often.

That and...

Well, it was Pidge.  Shiro worried about all of them, because they were his team.  But he especially worried when it was Pidge.

Finally, he sighed.  “I’ll give it a little while longer and see if she turns up.”

Lance nodded like he was satisfied with that and started to wrap himself in a matching furry cape.  “She’ll show up.  Besides, this place is pretty safe, all things considered.  Not even a mall cop. What’s the worst trouble she could get into?”

Shiro only winced in response.

Pausing, Hunk stepped over and nudged Shiro’s arm.  “Um.  I don’t want to alarm you.”

Uh oh.

“You won’t,” Shiro lied, calmly as he could manage.  “What is it?”

Hunk used the arm that wasn’t laden with bags to point across the street to another store front.  “I think that’s a general second-hand items kind of store.”

For a moment, Shiro didn’t get the connection.  Then it hit.

Pidge missing. 

A junk shop across the street.

Her hoarding tendencies.

Ah, hell.

Shiro let out a long sigh and nodded.  “Understood.  Thank you, Hunk.”

“If it helps, she’s probably safe?” Hunk added hopefully, shrugging.  It made all the bags shift with a crackling noise.  Shiro resisted the urge to ask again if Hunk wanted someone else to carry them.  After last time, where he’d used the bag of maybe-fruits to bash an attacker in the head, he was banned.

Expression twisting, Shiro nodded.  “Probably.  It’s the rest of us I worry about.”  He eyed the other two, including Lance’s half-mocking attempt to get Keith to wear a matching bright pink cape.

“Pink is just light red,” Lance insisted, shoving it against Keith’s folded arms.  “It’s your color.”

Keith scowled back, unimpressed.  “We don’t have to wear stuff based on our lions, you know.”

Brows up, Lance looked him up and down significantly.  Keith only glared back, shoulders tensing.

“Are you two done over there?” Shiro called calmly.  “If you’re not getting anything else we should get out of the shoppers’ way.”

Lance groaned dramatically but unwound himself from his fuzzy apparel.  “Yeah, yeah.  It’s a shame they don’t make blankets out of this stuff.  It’s really soft.”

Eyeing him, Hunk tilted his head.  “Yeah, but what do you want to bet this is the kind of thing we come back with, and then Coran tells us it’s from something disgusting, like the butt hair of a Blahblahblah.”

“Good point,” Lance replied, and he took a careful step away from the display.  “Time up on Pidge?”

Shiro sighed.  “Yes.  Yes it is.”  He steeled himself, because dragging Pidge away from anything that caught her eye was a serious problem.  Then he marched across the street.

The inside of the shop was dimly lit and dusty, enough that Hunk immediately started to cough when he stepped in.  Shiro patted him on the shoulder until it passed, then glanced around.

Behind a counter was a bored looking clerk, who barely mumbled a greeting to them, still flipping through their magazine.  The rest of the store was difficult to see, obscured by mazes of shelves and stacks of junk.

Immediately, Lance peeled off down one of the rows.  “Let’s split up, gang!” He declared, tone mischievous in a way that meant he was referencing something, but it went over Shiro’s head.

Nodding, Keith followed his example, wandering off at a sedate pace.  Noticing Hunk’s gaze getting brighter, Shiro patted him on the shoulder again.  “Don’t get sucked in yourself, please.”

“Sorry, Shiro, no promises.  But Pidge first.”  He wandered off in the direction he’d been eyeing, and Shiro saw the gleam of machinery from the pale lights.

Hopefully Pidge was here.  But Shiro had very little doubt, at this point.  It was Pidge.

Since the others had the left and right sides covered, Shiro wandered around to the back wall.  It was covered in bookshelves that reached all the way to the ceiling, packed together tightly and half spilling out.

Shiro wasn’t terribly surprised to see Pidge camped out next to one of the displays next to it, curled up with her feet tucked under her and a book in her hands.

He gave himself a moment to be glad she was safe. The worry settled in his stomach, no longer choking around his heart.  But that didn’t mean he wasn’t pissed.

“You know, we’ve discussed this,” Shiro called, tone hardening.

Glancing up, Pidge gave him a distracted smile.  “Hey, Shiro.  Sorry, I saw something in the window.  Then I got distracted.”

“How about next time you mention it before you walk off in the first place, no matter how long you’re gone.”  Shiro crossed his arms, despite the fact that she wasn’t looking at him anymore.  “I don’t want to treat you like a child, but if you can’t keep me appraised of your location I can’t let you to come on these kinds of trips.”

Pidge sighed and looked up.  “I get it, I’m sorry.  Shouldn’t have done it, won’t happen again.”  Her tone wasn’t at all convincing, and Shiro’s glare got deeper.  “Look, can you just... maybe turn around while I put this back?”

Pausing, Shiro narrowed his eyes.  “What do you have?”

“Look, it’s not a big deal, just something you probably shouldn’t see,” Pidge replied, clutching the book closer.  

Shiro was still struggling with what that could possibly be when Lance suddenly shoved himself past Shiro’s side, grinning like a shark.  “Pidge.   _ Pidge. _  Were you reading something dirty?”

To Shiro’s astonishment, Pidge went pink.  “I wasn’t reading anything,” she bit back, far more sharply than was natural.  “I can’t read it, it’s in another language.  Checkmate.”

Lance let out a delighted cackle, not bothered by her tone in the least.  “Share!  C’mon, I wanna see.  What’s got you all defensive?”

Pidge tried to turn away, but Lance grabbed the edge of the book and  _ yanked _ .  “No!”  Pidge shouted, surprisingly sincere.  “Lance, it’s not what you think.  Stop!”

Laughing still, Lance turned the book around.  “Don’t worry, I won’t tease you too much, but this is revenge for the last planet where you tried to throw mud at me in front of that pink chick.”  Then he finally looked down.  And his face fell.  “Oh.   _ Oh!” _

Officially curious, Shiro stepped closer, just as Pidge pointed at Lance.  “I told you!  You should have listened to me, and- Shiro, no!”

Taking the book from Lance’s limp fingers, Shiro stared down at it.

The words were in Common Galra, bold and in such a dramatic, bright yellow font that Shiro nearly didn’t recognize it.  

_ ‘Days of Gladiator Love’ _

And the cover showed some sort of animal that looked surprisingly like a rearing horse with a galaxy behind it.  The figure on the horse was shirtless and wielding a sword, looking dramatically into the distance.

That figure was also Shiro, with the nose scar and white hair but both his arms.

It was a romance novel.

_ With him on the cover. _

[](http://robinsfeather.tumblr.com/post/156834254326/draw-shiro-but-on-a-horse) _   
_

Pidge was there in a flash, yanking it away and hiding the cover against her chest again.  “I’m sorry, I just saw and then I was curious.  I tried to stop you!  Are you okay?”

“What the  _ hell?” _ Shiro managed.  Then he glanced up at Pidge and saw her stricken look, and he slumped.  “No, I’m- it’s silly and stupid and weird, but it’s not setting me off.  I’m okay.”

Slowly, Pidge relaxed too.  “Good,” she managed, nodding.  “I’m glad.”

Lance glanced at him, probably checking to see if Shiro was serious about not being bothered.  And he really wasn’t - it was so far removed from the reality that it barely registered as Shiro, except there he was, plus an arm.  Once he was sure, Lance snagged the book back from Pidge.  “Hunk!  Hunk, can we put novels into the castle system and get them translated?”

Hunk poked his head out from the shelves.  “Uh, yeah.  Oh, hey, Pidge, there you are.  Sure, I think there’s a machine Coran showed me just for that.  What do you want to-” he paused as the book was shoved into his hands, and his eyes went wide.  “Oh my god.  Oh my  _ god.” _

Following after, Keith glanced over Hunk’s arm, then froze.  “Seriously?  How did they even...?”

“From what I understand, there’s a lot of merchandise around the gladiator battles,” Shiro replied, as mild as possible.  “It’s possible this tied in.”

“Of all the possible merch, I think this is the best possible scenario,” Lance added, glancing over at Shiro again.  “Can we get this?  We shouldn’t just leave it around, right?  Who knows who else will come by and get it.  Better it be in our hands.”

Rolling his eyes, Shiro waved him off.  “We can get it.  It’s not that bad.”

“Awesome!”  Lance beamed.  “Was there anything else we needed?  Can we go now?  I wanna get this thing started.  I have to know what an alien romance novel sounds like.  And it stars a human!  We have to see how well they represent us.”

Keith snorted blandly.  “They have no idea what humans are like, it’s going to be ridiculous.”  Then he glanced back at Shiro, frowning.  “Unless they- I mean, you never had to fight naked or something, right?”

“Wouldn’t know,” Shiro replied.  “Not that I remember.  Guess we’ll find out.”  He eyed the book with new, sharp interest.

Hunk patted him on the arm.  “I’m sure it’ll be really, really wrong.”

Shiro hoped so.

***

“Shiro!” Lance’s voice called from the console comm.  “Can you come to the rec room?  It’s ready.”

Pausing mid push-up, Shiro glanced over.  At first he considered giving it a pass, but if they were going to be joking about it for the next while, he wanted to at least have context.  Besides, Shiro was a little curious what his book counterpart was up to.

“Alright,” he replied, pulling himself up. Shiro had barely started the work-out, so he could just put it off till later.  “I’ll be there in a few.”

Hunk chuckled.  “You may want to hurry.  I think Lance may actually die if he doesn’t get to start soon.”

Rolling his eyes, Shiro stretched out his back.  “Alright, alright, I’m heading over now.”  A tap turned off the console of the room, and he set off at a calm pace.

When he stepped into the rec room, Lance let out a dramatic groan of relief.  He flopped sideways onto the couch, falling over Pidge and Hunk’s laps.  On the farthest side of the couch, Allura pulled away, looking wary of Lance’s flailing limbs.  “Finally!  I bookmarked the good pages.  Are you ready for this?”

“You read it already?” Keith asked, gaze narrowed.  He’d taken over one of the single chairs rather than join the pile on the couch, and one of the chairs had been pulled closer to him.  Tilting his head, Keith indicated that Shiro should sit in that one, like he needed Keith to be nearby to physically defend him from Lance’s reading.  “Then what’s with the dramatics?”

Pidge smirked.  “He didn’t.  I just marked which pages on the translated version were the ones that had the most earmarking, or that opened up automatically if you put the book flat.  So whatever these pages are, they’re the ones that got read most, probably.”

“Clever,” Shiro replied, and Pidge beamed back.  He sat down in the chair next to Keith, shooting him an amused look.  Then he eyed Allura.  “I wasn’t aware you had an interest in this, Princess.”

“I do love a good book,” Allura replied primly, but her eyes were bright with mischief.  “And tales of romance have always interested me.  I grew up on court intrigue, you know.  There was always some romantic liaison going on.”

Lance eyed her like he was about to make a comment, but Hunk jerked his legs, making Lance’s chest jolt.  Pouting, he visibly gave up and held up a pad instead.  “Are you all ready for the best reading of your lives?”

“Just go,” Pidge said, rolling her eyes.  

Sticking out his tongue, Lance tapped on the screen, then took a deep breath.  “ _ He emerged from my washing chamber, the water still dripping from his bristled head fur, the white forelock curving around his cheek.  “That you, My Lady,” he intoned, a deep rumble, and I felt the vibrations of it deep within my-” _ Lance paused, eyes narrowed.  “Blax-tar?”

_ “B’lextour,”  _ Allura corrected calmly.  “It’s the bone around the heart muscle.”

Lance’s brows rose.  “Oh.  So, corny as hell?”

“Very much so.”

Shooting her a thumbs up, Lance cleared his throat and continued on.   _ “My b’lextour.  He stepped closer, his biceps b-bulging, and-” _ Lance cracked, curling up on himself as he burst into snickers.  “ _ -flexing as he reached for my f-fingers.” _

“Well, they got that detail right,” Hunk said blandly, as Pidge stole the pad from Lance, who continued to giggle.  “Your biceps do mysteriously flex at random times in the low lighting of a boudoir.”

Shiro eyed him, leaning back further in his chair.  “You say that like a compliment, but it sounds like a muscular twitch.”

“Muscular twitches can be sexy,” Hunk replied, expression flat except for his slowly widening smile.

“No.  No, they can’t.”

Allura hummed, the noise disagreeing.  “I’m not sure of that.  Depends on your species.”

Every head in the room whipped around to stare at Allura.  She gazed back, perfectly composed and regal, except for the slight curl of a smirk.

“This is boring anyway,” Pidge declared.  “It’s just ‘oh he’s so shirtless and wet ahh’.  Let’s find the good stuff.”  She started to tap away on the screen, then paused.  “Oh, jeez.”

Hunk shoved his head over her shoulder, trying to read.  “What’s happening?”

Scowling, Pidge planted her hand on Hunk’s cheek and shoved him back.  “I’m reading it, shoo.” Pidge glanced at Shiro one more then, then started to read.   _ “My heart pounded like a war drum as he pressed me to the wall.  My mouth fell open, mouth bruised with the force of his passions-”  _ Pidge paused for Lance to break into new snickers  _ “-and my danibles heaving with each breath.” _  She glanced at Allura.  “Is a  _ danible _ dirty?”

Allura tapped the sides of her jaw.  “Cheek pockets.  Some species find large ones very attractive.  For them to heave they’d be a considerable size.”

Frowning, Keith eyed her.  “Do  _ you _ find them attractive?”

“I see the aesthetic appeal in many species,” Allura replied flatly, eyes bright.

Biting off laughter, he nudged Keith.  “Shouldn’t the question be if  _ I _ like them?”

Keith shot him a look of horror.  And unable to resist, Shiro waggled his brows back, making him choke.

Okay, this book was turning out to be more fun than he’d thought.

_ “‘I have slain many to return to your side, My Lady,” the gladiator purred, and when he moved closer, I could feel the edge of his  _ _ kizzlefwub slipping between the opening of his armor.” _

Allura froze, eyes wide.  “Oh my.”

“Is that good?” Hunk asked. “That’s like... it’s coming out of the armor?  Should it do that?”

“If Shiro was particularly... dexterous,” Allura replied, eyeing Shiro with new respect.

Shiro paused, expression twisting.  “Am I the only one more bothered by the slain thing?” He asked.  “If someone says they’ve slain people for you, I feel like that’s the point where you run.”

Making a soft noise, Lance shrugged and sprawled out farther, still comfortable on Hunk and Pidge’s laps. “Depends on how good the sex is.”

“Apparently pretty good,” Pidge remarked.   _ “‘Slay my kizzlefwub, Champion.  Be the Champion of my bed.’” _

Shiro’s mouth fell open. “Slay it?” He managed, voice cracking.

“That’s being dramatic, right?  Like, when someone says they.. Pounded or destroyed or whatever.”  Keith’s ears went red, and he refused to meet the eyes of anyone on the couch.

Allura frowned.  “Are those... common, on your planet?”

“It’s a figure of speech,” Lance replied.  “I can show you if you-” he stopped as Hunk and Pidge both shoved him off their laps, and he landed in a heap on the ground. “It was instinct!  I couldn’t help it.”  Grumbling, he climbed back to his feet and sat back down properly.  “I have a condition.”

Before Keith could respond to the easy opening, Shiro elbowed him.  “Run away anyway,” he told Lance.  “I don’t care how good the sex is.”

Pidge snorted, then continued on, her flat voice making the dramatic prose all the more ridiculous.   _ “Holding me up in his claws, the Champion’s muscles bulged, hot and heavy, as he hoisted me to my bunk, and my slender tentacles- _ oh, man, tentacles, I know where this is going -  _ wrapped around his beefy chest.  His lack of plating was soft and warm against me.  ‘Take me with your mighty fertilizing rod.’” _

At that point, Hunk lost it too, howling into Lance’s shoulder.  “Oh, my god.  Oh my  _ god. _  Shiro, I’m never going to be able to look you in the eyes again.”

Shiro stared up at the ceiling, his own cheeks going pink.  “I’m never going to look anyone in the eye again.”  

“Mighty, though,” Lance pointed out encouragingly.  “At least she’s complimentary of your  _ blazing sword.” _

Taking the cushion from the back of his chair, Keith lobbed it at Lance.  He ducked, and it bounced off the top and rolled away.  “No.  Don’t ruin my weapon like that.”

“It’s not really yours,” Pidge objected.  “And I dunno, it’s better than the rest of this.   _ His  _ _ kizzlefwub wrapped around mine, the sticky, gooey dance that made me mewl and gasp.” _

Shiro took a deep breath.  “Keith, if I don’t make it out of this alive-”

“You’re on your own,” Keith replied.  “I’m not leading anything.”

_ “I screamed as my kizzlefwub writhed in his grasp, and my tentacles wrapped around his back to press against his-” _

Shiro squeaked.

The room went quiet.

Shiro folded in on himself, cradling his face in his hands.

“Did... did you just make that noise?” Lance breathed.  “Did that really come out of you?”

“Are you alright, Shiro?” Allura asked, and she sounded honestly worried.

Hunk took a deep breath.  “We can stop now if you want.”  The offer would have been more encouraging if he wasn’t obviously holding back laughter.

Keith nudged him.  “I did not need to know that about you.”

“For the record, the tentacles were going to press against your thigh muscles,” Pidge offered.  

Shiro finally picked up his face, aware his eyes were watering and his cheeks were bright red.  “Could someone please shoot me?”

“Sorry, buddy, I don’t have the stomach.  At least the book version of you is pretty good at it.  She went on and on for like, two pages.”  Hunk took the pad from Pidge, who was still eyeing Shiro with far, far too much amusement.  He flipped through, then paused.  “Um, guys?”

“Yes?” Shiro asked, immediately jumping on the potential distraction.

Hunk turned the tablet around and tapped on it.  “This is part of the ‘Days of Gladiator...’ series.  There are four more.  You can order them.”

Groaning, Shiro ducked his head.  He felt the anticipatory silence, hopeful but unsure.  “Fine,” he groaned, cheeks still burning.  

Immediately, the trio on the couch burst into excited chatter, already beginning to tease, and Keith patted him on the back.  “You bring this on yourself when you don’t tell them no,” he pointed out.

“I know,” Shiro mourned, picking his head up again.  When he looked over, Allura was suddenly standing in front of him.  “Yes, Princess?”

Allura gave him a wide, toothy grin, and Shiro froze like prey cornered by a predator.  “You know,” she said, all studied innocence.  “If that’s something that interests you, we can always make a point to visit the planet the Tangerians inhabit.  Maybe you’ll find a special someone.”

Groaning again, Shiro went right back to burying his face in his hands.

He was so screwed.

At least in the book it was literal.

**Author's Note:**

> Want more absolute nonsense like this? First follow the users above, then hang out with me at [my tumblr](http://bosstoaster.tumblr.com/) for more soft Shiro bullshit

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Days of Gladiator Love [Podfic]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9600053) by [oldmythologies](https://archiveofourown.org/users/oldmythologies/pseuds/oldmythologies)




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